It makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong, because this is what I help people do for a living — I’m intuitive and should be able to figure things out, immediately, right?
But I’m also human. Thankfully.
This thing that was bringing me down felt arduous, felt heavy like pregnant clouds, but ever out of my reach of understanding. My analytical mind was having a hay-day trying to figure it out. It’s amazing to me the myriad of ridiculous thoughts my analytical mind (ego) can come up with to justify me feeling down. I swear, if the only way of knowing things on this earth was through analyzing them, I’d go crazy.
Luckily, there are other ways of knowing.
Last night, I had a dream that I was being denied access through a gate that lead to this beautiful mountain top. I was being denied access until this person from my past came back and allowed me to move through the gates. I was furious, because I wanted to hike into the beauty of the mountain, to access the healing available there, and to gaze back at the view. I was also furious because I didn’t want to wait from this person from the past to catch up to me and to interact with him — not because I had anything against him, but because I wanted to move forward. I felt torn — part of me wanted to just blow through the gates but another part of me was fearful that if I did, something bad would happen.
I woke up with a feeling of unease. It reminded me of the feelings I’d had when I suspected I might get fired that day, or be broken up with, or be reprimanded for something. It was a feeling of failure.
I immediately put on my hiking shoes and drove out to my favorite forested park for a walking meditation. As I started walking, I realized two things that my dream seemed to represent to me. The first was that my past was haunting me and keeping me from enjoying the dreams and aspirations I have for the future. And second, the reason that the past is haunting me is because I’ve been stuck on ideas or energy in my space that want to affirm that there is a right and wrong way for living in the world.
There have been several instances just this week where counseling others included the spiritual truth that there is no right or wrong in the spiritual world — there is just our experience. Right and wrong are concepts that our analytical mind create (don’t get me wrong, moral judgements can have a place in society, I’m not here debating that). When we get stuck not wanting to make the “wrong” decision, we are essentially stuck in fear — fear that if we “do it wrong,” something bad will happen and we won’t be good enough. Our actions just have consequences, that’s it. Some consequences we will like better than others, but essentially it’s trial and error, learning and growing.
As I walked through the beautiful, rainy morning, I practiced turning off my analyzing mind of focusing on my breath. As I watched the morning unfold, I had the realization that everyday, nature lets go of the old and moves forward. Sometimes, like during the change of the seasons, letting go takes some time — leaves dry out, drop, and trees release excess wastes and waters and prepare for the winter. It’s a process. Sometimes, it happens quickly — like during a big storm, when a branch just isn’t strong enough and snaps off the tree. Either way, the tree keeps on living and the forest finds a new way to support the change.
Sometimes, letting go of our past takes time. Sometimes it’s a process. But the more we keep ourselves within the limited mindset of right and wrong, the longer that process will take. Today I remembered to be gentle with myself, to keep practicing the miracle of being in the present moment and accessing the joy that is found there.