Being My Own Creature

Today I am struggling.Not with love
for there is love.

But, with
Questions related to values, career, life path
Choices.
Trade offs.
I am doing it wrong?
(And why am I judging myself?)

This is not how I want to feel!
In this moment, I struggle

with my body
such a sensitive barometer
such a graceful instrument
it is speaking to me, begging for more time to
Shhhhh! Listen!

with my mind
it is racing so!
Thoughts moving in circles
and I can’t…..quite…..grasp……
what was it I was doing?

And this feeling, this nagging
persistent
underlying
sensation
That something important is slipping away.

What have I given up for steady money? For security?
Have I sacrificed too much?
Or is this the trade off while I build the foundation to my dreams?

I love my jobs…..don’t I?
I have a purpose through them….right?
I help others….?

Where is the ease I used to have?
Where is the simple beauty that I used to find in the process?

I have lost my mornings of quiet contemplation
I have lost my routines of daily solace
grounding
nurturing
honoring
that which is self and that which is Self.
Where is Svastha?

I feel that I am running, running
always a hair late
a little short
not quite grounded
not exactly where I want to be
inadequate
based on standards that I didn’t create
yet have somehow felt need to adopt.

I feel as though I am keeping
all this beautiful, time-tested, nature-based
self-healing information
tucked away.

Ayurveda. Ancient knowledge of life.
Of health.

The saddest part
the part that breaks my heart
is that I am running so fast
that I am afraid little pieces of it are
falling away.

I have such little avenue to share it.
Feeling stifled
boxed in.
“Your job clearly fits into these parameters. Stay there.”

But we all know I don’t do well with limits.
Sounds like it’s time to expand.
To take the next leap.
To make scary changes and break through the fear.

Creating space.
Filling it with more of me
my gifts
my offerings to the world.
The opportunity to be my own creature.
To paint a bigger canvas for myself,
and maybe get outside the lines.
It’s time.

Added March 15th —
Interesting to note that the following was my horoscope for the week. For more on astrology, see www.mosiacastrology.com.

SCORPIO (October 21-November 21)
Your focus may have changed from a child, your love life, or creative expression, to your work environment, domestic routine, and responsibilities. This area of life has been awakened and action may be required.  It is possible that you’re feeling the need for more freedom within your workplace or from your current responsibilities.

You may need to increase your effectiveness where health and work routines are at issue.   You may be contemplating some bold action, feeling anger, or facing a conflict in which you’ll need to defend your turf. At stake may be your ability to maintain your familiar surroundings which are currently begging for an overhaul and thorough housecleaning.   As the week progresses the disruption intensifies creating exciting new opportunity or more combative encounters. Your need for more freedom will not decrease and the importance of familiarity and what you’re used to will have to be evaluated.

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