Today I’m getting personal. In this episode, I talk about what a morning in my household looks like (it’s not the perfect morning you might imagine), and then tell you about the one-on-one clairvoyant readings I do and how they’ve helped my clients. I walk you back through parts of my history, back to some of the first spiritual experiences that I can remember, back to the formative years of finding my spiritual truth, and how that process taught me to trust in my intuition. I also talk about learning to tell the difference between intuition and ego. Finally, I talk about how I’m teaching basic intuitive development tools in The Refuge for Sacred Rebellion starting March 20th.

View the transcription, below.


One question I get again and again is:

How do trust my intuition? How do I know it’s my intuition speaking and not my thoughts?

I’m gonna break it down for you, but first I want to share what a morning in my life looks like. Why? Because I think that often we believe our teachers and our guides to have these perfect spiritual lives, and it’s often not the case. We’re human, just like you. If I can learn to accept and use my sensitive gifts in the world, you can to.

I think it’s important to normalize what it means to be highly sensitive and learn those gifts in our own unique ways.

When I listen to other intuitives on the internet, either in podcasts or in reading their blog, it’s really easy to believe they live this really zen life, that they are this perfect spiritual person with the perfect spiritual life. It’s easy to believe that those we look up to are perfect.

I want to debunk this myth.

My morning looks nothing close to a perfect spiritual morning. In fact, my morning starts the night before, with a prayer.

“Please, all the Gods, let my son sleep through the night.”

I have a 16 month old son, who is in the habit, currently, of waking up around 2am and demanding a bottle. And so, currently, instead of going through (yet again) the pain that is sleep training, I or my husband get out of bed, walk our son through a dark house to the kitchen, heat up a bottle, and feed it to him.

I’m always hoping that I at least get a four hours of continuous sleep a night, so I’m not running on adrenaline. And that’s how my morning starts – in some semblance of rest dependent on the night before.

I wake around 6 or 6:30, because my son is an early riser, and it’s my duty to be mommy in the morning. I drink a cup of coffee while my son pushes the buttons of everything that makes music, so he can dance. I read six or 800 books to him. I sit on the ground and hold a bowl of oatmeal, from which he toddles over to take a bite, sit on my lap, flop on the ground, then get up and back to work removing all of the things from all of the cupboards.

Next, I get ready for my day, which is the most stressful 20-30 minutes of my life right now. “Getting ready” means I have to shower, put on makeup, and fluff my hair while keeping my son from throwing anything in the toilet, crawling in the shower to stick his hand down the drain, or eating anything.

After that, I dress him, help him find his shoes and whichever pacifier he wants to take to school, jackets, keys, and out the door to daycare. I finally take a deep breath once he’s happily engaged in class and I’m back outside in the car.

That is my morning. It’s not perfect. It’s full. It’s beautiful, but it’s not the peaceful kind of morning I had before my son.

After all of that is when I come back and start my work.

Work looks different on any day because running a business requires different things, but the bulk of my work is in giving intuitive readings and teaching intuitive development.

The funny thing is that I’ve realized recently that my website has tons of information about sensitivity, but is unclear in how I work one-on-one with you – it looks like some form of coaching. But here’s the thing –

I’m actually clairvoyant intuitive. A psychic who sees things. A translator of your energy field.

(Clairvoyance is the ability to see the energy blueprint that affects our physical reality.)

In other words, I have the incredible honor to work as an interpreter between you and your soul.

The reason I focus intuitive work towards hsps is because it’s incredibly effective for hsps in particular. It sticks. It makes sense.

Intuitive work is working with the subtle body, which contains our beliefs, thoughts, and energetic history of our lives (and lives beyond that). In a reading, I’m able to tap into that field and into the roots of issues that you bring to me.

During a reading, it’s like I’m going into the library of who you are. It’s helpful if I’m given a specific section to look in, because once I know where I’m going, it’s fairly easy to gain access to the information you’re looking for.

I’ve been doing this professionally for five years, and the biggest thing clients tell me they get from readings is a sense of recognition and relief. It’s a feeling that someone else finally “sees” you – like, really sees you. All those deep truths and knowings that you have, under the surface, are finally acknowledged by someone else.

That was the feeling I had when I received my first reading.

When I was 20 years old, I was in the middle of earning my bachelors degree in natural resources at The University of Montana in Missoula.

And I met a guy.

(My inner feminist is cringing right now, fyi).

I decided – or rather, felt really strongly – that I should move to Colorado to be with this person. I actually made the decision to put my school and my scholarships on hold for a year so that I could be with this person. Now, you might not think it because of my public work here, but in my younger years especially, I was always a rule-follower. I had always done everything by the book.

It was with great dismay from my family that I put everything on hold and trucked down to Colorado to live with this man in a tiny town called Montrose. At the time, I thought I was following love. When I think back on it now, I see that I needed to be in this place, at this time, to help me solidify my sense of spirituality and build trust in my soul and intuition.

I moved down to Colorado based on instinct – based on a feeling that I had to. And my mind was telling me that it was because of this man. My heart was telling me to move, and my mind was telling me that it was because I was going to marry this person.

When I look back on it now, I don’t even hardly remember my life with him.

So I got to Colorado, this tiny town, and I needed to find a job. I drove around this tiny town and saw this sign for  a cafe called The Soul Garden. The name spoke to me, and so on a whim, I walked in. I don’t remember what I ordered, but I do remember meeting the woman at the counter – the manager.

Her name was Heidi.

Turns out, she needed another cook for The Soul Garden. Long story short, we hit it off and I was hired in a day or two. I started working as a cook at this cafe.

Heidi was in a few new age spirituality groups, and we started talking about spiritual concepts that were mostly new to me. I was thirsty for our conversations, and able to become much more open in my thinking.

One day, I had this word pop into my mind – Gaia. And I had no idea what it meant.

It makes me embarrassed now that I didn’t know what it was, but I had been raised in Utah where spiritual concepts outside of Mormonism or Christianity were really, really rare. I hadn’t heard of different goddess names, or the Gaia theory, or anything like that.

I didn’t know what this was, so I asked Heidi. I said, “What is ‘gaia’?”

When she told me what it was – that She was just one name for Mother Earth – I was simultaneously blown away and also had a deep sense of knowing within me, or a sense of recognition.

At age 20, I had been a spiritual seeker for a long time. My identity growing up was of a non-Mormon in a Mormon world, but I also had a great desire to understand and experience a sense of spiritual place and connection with something greater than me.

I never found that in the Mormon/Christian world back home.

Through my work at The Soul Garden, I met these wonderfully spiritual people who quickly became part of my life.

It was also around this time when I read the book that changed my life – Caroline Myss’ “Anatomy of the Spirit.” It was like the gateway drug that provided my doorway to all things spiritual. What was kind of funny was that this book wasn’t from my new spiritual community – rather, it was a book I found on my boyfriend’s mother’s bookshelf, on a trip to Utah over Christmas. She let me take it home.

This coincidence was another of the breadcrumbs I followed when learning to trust my intuition. Again – here I was, following my heart with this guy, and rather than acting out the story in my head (we’d get married, have a family, etc), it led me to my spiritual awakening. Through the cafe. Through his mom’s bookshelf.

I met two intuitives while working at The Soul Garden. Marilyn and Esther, who both had huge influences in my life.

My first ever intuitive reading was with Marilyn, and it was scheduled for an evening when a storm was brewing. She had come into the cafe at lunch to tell me she would need to cancel. I, of course – being the people pleaser I was – told her it was okay. She cocked her head to the side and said, “No, I see how you need this today.”

We met in some strange building, and the first thing she keyed into in my energy field was the fact that I had been waiting for and needed the information very badly. That message in itself was so affirming.

While I don’t remember the exact contents of the reading (and didn’t know yet to take notes or make a recording), what I do remember was how validating it was. I had created this personal narrative that I didn’t belong here, or that I came to this planet with a different set of operating instructions than everyone else.

I had this really strong connection to the Earth for as long as I can remember. I remember when I was really young, three or four, I would go outside in the summer mornings, wearing my red velvet robe and my Bert and Ernie slippers, and march out to the garden where I’d sit down and speak with all the little beings I saw there. I tended to them, and they looked after me.

It felt like I had my own little group – a group of beings or friends who knew me and understood me.

As I grew up, I realized how strange this connection was. It wasn’t “cool” to speak to imaginary beings in the yard. Most people didn’t connect to the Earth like I did. I used to get personally upset when I’d see other people throw litter on the ground. My mom took me to SeaWorld when I was seven, and although I don’t remember this, she told me I cried the whole time because I didn’t like to see the sea animals in pens. So we never went back.

I’d created this story, this personal narrative in my head, and hadn’t told anyone. I was seeking a place for myself in the maddness of this world.

And Maralyn said something like, “Gaia is trying to communicate with you. You are one of Hers.”

I felt such relief and such validation in that statement. For the past five or six years, I’d been trying so hard to connect with God as He was depicted in the Christian and Mormon communities. And while I have no problem with a God depicted as that, it was not something I could personally resonate with, no matter how hard I tried.

It felt incredibly affirming to have the world Gaia pop into my head, then have this reading affirming my experience. That reading, the talks at The Soul Garden, and reading Carloline Myss’ book were probably my gateways into doing what I do now.

Over the years, I received serveral readings from Esther. She has passed now, but she was the one who eventually nudged me into trusting my intuitive gifts. She had been hinting at that for a while, but I didn’t believe her for a long time.

While reading Anatomy of the Spirit, I felt a sense of giddy excitement and recognition. While the information was new, the energetic content of the information felt like remembrance to me. My personal story was something like, “This is so cool! I want to be able to do this some day.”

But I really believed it was out of reach.

I believed that you were either born being able to do this, fully seeing things in a professional-grade way, or you weren’t. In my mind, it was that black and white.

Now, I’m doing this work that I once could only dream of.

One of the questions I get asked a lot is, “How do you start to trust your intuition?”

In other words, how do you know the information you’re receiving is valid and not from your ego?

There’s a complicated and simple way to answer that.

Simply, the voices of the mind/ego and the soul are different. Most basically, the way I tell them apart is in which comes first: the instinct or the story; the nudge or the narrative.

When the narrative comes first, which then creates a feeling within me, that’s my ego trying to stir up some shit, and this is not a place where I make good decisions from.

If the instinct or the nudge comes first and the story comes second (or comes later), that’s most likely information from my Soul or from Spirit.

Obviously, there can be more to this, but it can be helpful to stay simple when you’re just learning to trust your intuition. One of the very first ways you learn to trust your intuition is within a reading with me.

When you receive a reading, you get validated for all the information you “knew” to be true, but wasn’t willing to admit to yourself you knew. Part of what an intuitive reading does is help you connect the dots that your mind hadn’t been able to connect yet.

This can be extremely validating, especially when you’re in a big transition. A reading can also be helpful when you’re really emotionally invested in the outcome. It’s very difficult to receive true intuitive guidance unless you are neutral to the outcome of a situation.

(By the way, I teach all about this in The Refuge and The School for Sacred Rebellion).

When I can’t get neutral, I have someone else take a look. That’s what we’re here for.

Recently, I’ve seen this idea pop up in many readings that says something like, “If I follow the calling of my soul or spirit, then everything will turn out ‘right.'”

I think this comes from an idea that things will be easy, or more comfortable, if you follow your intuitive hits.

I get clients who are really upset because they’ve been trusting their inner voices but things are really uncomfortable, or it’s led them to a big transition that is causing them emotional or physical pain.

It’s important to remember that the Soul or Spirit can create without the physical limitations of the body or mind. So, when our higher self sets out to create a certain outcome or to learn a certain lesson, it’s created on the energetic level without regaurd to how it will feel in a body.

Our Soul is always asking for change and growth. Change and growth is the antithesis of staying safe and comfortable – that’s what the ego does. We learn the most when we’re in discomfort, so it’s important to remember that just because you are following the voice of your soul doesn’t meant that everyting will feel easy.

Your soul isn’t going to lead you into calm waters everyday. It might lead you out into rough water. It might require you learn to surf, or wait out a storm.

It’s important that when you are learning to trust your intutition, learning to trust the soul and having your life be calm all the time is an oxymoron.

The difficulty with learning this lesson is that we usually aren’t learning it while it’s happening. It’s only when we can look back and go, “Oh! That’s why that needed to happen.” It’s only then when we can put the past in context for ourselves.

Pema Chodron said it well when she said that a spiritual path is like being on a train facing backwards; you can only make sense of things as they pass, but you have to trust that you will get to your destination anyway.

When I look back at those 9 months in Colorado, what I see now are very formative experiences to my understanding of Spirit, spiritual mechanics, and in introducing me to the people and experiences I needed to form a foundation for my spiritual practice.

But eremember, I thought I was moving to Colorado to marry a man.

That taught me the lesson of trusting the intuitive hits I receive, even if my ego is wrong about the reasoning behind them.

Eventually, the man I was seeing and I had to move out of Colorado. We moved to Utah for a while on our way back to Montana. As soon as we moved out of Colorado, things really fell apart for us. I was young, and didn’t know how to break up with someone, and so I stayed in the relationship for much longer than I wanted to.

When I look back now, I see how one of his major purposes in my life was to help get me to Colorado and those people and experiences I needed.

When I went back to Montana to school, I had a renewed sense of who I was and how I wanted to operate in the world.

Someone recently asked me if I was always a strong sensitive person.

No.

Not. At. All.

When I was young, I was really fragile. I didn’t know how to handle big emotions, and I didn’t know how to handle being an empath (I am also an empath – I can feel what others are feeling). It was very challening in elementary school for me, and when someone else was upset, I was upset. If someone went home sick, so did I.

I also developed a really fragile self esteem, looking outside of myself for validation. That combination was detrimental to being a strong, sensitive person. Instead of embracing my sensitivity, I started over-compensating, which is when we use various strategies to defend ourselves from the world and pretend we’re not highly sensitive.

My strategy was to become perfect in order to avoid criticism. I also tried to become very physically fit in order (another form of perfection). I had an eating disorder in high school, and exercised a ton. I was part of the university’s cycling team, competed on the triathlon team in graduate school, ski raced, rock-climbed, practiced Ashtanga yoga and worked out everyday. I realize now that all that exercise was a way for me to distract from the fact that I was sensitive and vulnerable and didn’t want to be known as such.

I’ve always been sensitive, and I used to pretend I was strong.

Becoming a strong sensitive person has taken learning to accept and embrace my sensitivity and learning to trust the wisdom of my intuition and Soul above everything else.

This is an ongoing process.

If you are interested in learning to trust your intuition, please join me in The Refuge for Sacred Rebellion.

The Refuge is where I’m teaching all of my basic intuitive development tools twice a year as part of your membership. I used to package these into a program and sell them that way, but I want to make them more accessible because they’re so important. I think of these tools like basic hygiene for the soul. The tools I teach will give you an understanding of spiritual mechanics, how to get and stay grounded, release energy that’s not yours, get your energy back, and basically learn to put up good boundaries so that you stay connected to your ultimate truth.

You’ll learn to trust yourself more.

The next batch of tools to be taught starts March 20th, so sign up now!

If you enjoyed this podcast, please support it on Patreon. I have a few more free readings for my first few Patrons, so hop over and throw down a couple bucks to score yours!

 

anna holden

anna

0 Comment

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply